I never didn’t want you the person. I never didn’t believe in you. I never hated you. I never thought of a life without you, and I never wanted a life without you.
When I asked you to be my person, it was because I wanted to be your partner in this life, in every way. That is not an offer I take, or took, lightly.
We did have some speedbumps, and we each had our own set of problems, but it was nothing we couldn’t have overcome then, and still can’t today.
I was angry, I was anxious, I had so much happening that I lost sight of what our future held. That is not an excuse for some things, but more of an explanation.
I believed in us completely. When I did get angry with you, it was not because I didn’t want you, but because (and I know this is not the case) I felt like you didn’t understand how I felt in you and us. I was angry you didn’t think I believed in you, when I urged you to come out mainly because I knew you could kill it out here, not to trap you. I was angry you didn’t think of me as your partner, when I brought you into my world to make it our world.
I was angry you would get so mad at times, mad at your situation, and I took that way too personal.
We needed some guidance and help then.
But not help in finding the right person, help in understanding our right person.
I have been working on a lot lately. I know you’ve seen me act anxious, and even downright pathetic at times, and I know how damaging that, and even a drawn out thing like this is. But in all congruency, I am at a good place. I was working on getting past the notion of someone else getting to experience you. Someone else loving my woman, holding my woman, pleasing my woman, feeling my woman, being exposed to that beautiful side of you I thought I would always get to enjoy with just you.
I know how we got there, so that is not blame; just an issue I had to work on. Also, I hope you can see in all of this that I truly do only want you in this world. I could have taken myself elsewhere, I could have saught out someone else, settled with someone, explored people for the sake of exploration, but I know what and who I lost in all of this. I know that at some pivital moments we faltered. But I would be so proud to be called your man at some point.
I failed you, myself, and even our future family on so many levels and I’m not interested in doing that anymore. I don’t want a life of sadness either. I am not trying to drag this on. I am trying to give you a window into my process, so maybe you can see what I was going through. Even if you disagree with a lot, maybe empathize, and realize that you really had me way more than you ever thought.
I want to have fun with you. Make jokes. Be our silly, carefree selves. Call our dogs strippers. Hold eachother. Be there for the hard times. Be there for the happy times. Be there for all of the times in between. Explore all of the fun places that we haven’t seen. Explore eachother. Stand up for eachother, stand together. Be partners. I always wanted that. I never stopped believing.