Here are a couple exerpts I pulled from my notes this past year. Read as much or as little. They are exactly as I wrote them, unedited, full of typos, and real.
Merry Christmas Briana.
I love you.
Lyrics to lady
I don’t wanna know just anyone,
I dont wanna hold just anyone,
I won’t grow old with just anyone.
Settle my soul with just anyone.
Life’s taken a toll where my pennies gone?
Just needed to grow like I’m 21 feet in the air,
Like I’m bigger and better,
but cold like this weather without us together,
Life is a map and you search for the treasure,
But lost in the moments, was blind to the pleasure,
Too lengthy to measure, the span is so hopeless,
Wanna hang out now my home is so rope-less,
One thing I know is I let you feel secluded,
First day on the job I didn’t know what I was doing,
Not trying to make excuses I’m man enough and humble,
But this foundation’s standing up and never going to crumble.
I wonder, if there’s still, something here, something real.
I know that is something I feel, I hope that is how I appear.
I hope that you never lose sight,
I hope that you come home tonight,
and if you don't, I’ll still wait up,
it’s not a game either, not trying to trade up,
My minds made up, I’ve been determined,
I know there’s work here, I gotta earn it,
Not trying to start fires or burn it,
I’m trying to take this tide back and turn it,
I’m trying to open wide and eat this world up,
I need you by my side, I’ll pick my girl up,
We’ll pick each-other up, my children’s mother up,
So proud to be ourselves, not trying to cover up,
and tell each-other what?
That we made it through.
I’ve been to hell and back, I wouldn't trade it too.
Cuz every seconds worth it, we weren’t picture perfect,
Let’s take the shot again,
The focus ring is working,
And see the surface of the moon as we are soaring higher,
Was scared to board before but now I’ll be a frequent flyer,
and you’re a smorgasbord I’m hungry let me eat up…
I know that life got cold but let this fire heat you up.
Something I lacked in showing. Counseling is showing me that I don't give in all the ways I need to. I don't contribute verbal compliments. I don't contribute in gestures. I don't contribute in adventurous activity. In essence, I don't give in the places I need to to properly communicate love.
My mind is racing. If my time with you is really over and I can't show you these things, I'm crushed. I've been so blind. Our life together in the house wasn't all terrible, but the times that did fail would have been vastly improved if I simply exercised in appreciating you every day.
Verbal compliments. Loving gestures. Physical responses. New activities, memories.
My hopefulness is not blind. I understand you're firm in telling me it doesn't work. My hopefulness lies in knowing you're my person. In knowing that the love we have and share was and is real. In knowing that through all these times I still shared a best friend. Even when I didn't appreciate you. Even when I did things completely wrong. We shared a bond that I'd hoped was forever.
I would give anything to show you the life you deserve. If that is me out of it, fine. But if I can take these practices and apply them to our life, I would do everything in my power to hold you up.
I failed. Please. Let me lift you back up.
Thank you for giving up a life in Chicago.
Thank you for putting your career on hold for our family even if it didn't pay off.
Thank you for notes, for gestures, for all of the signs I never returned.
Thank you for always wanting me. Until now.
Thank you for rainy days, for showing me how awesome Harry Potter was.
Thank you for always decorating the house. For loving and embracing holidays even the obscure ones.
Thank you for always being amazing.
I'm sorry for the birthday stuff. I was hoping to naturally share my progress and come together with you, but when you said you were done, I panicked.
If you truly want to move on I understand. I have had time to reflect. Reflect on how much I didn't put into this. How absent I became, and how that lead to so much negativity between us. We were actually an awesome pair, just plagued by my own issues with life and work. I truly always wanted what was best for you. I am so happy you are doing well with work, and life.
I dug through so many things, things I've never bothered to look at. I've never re-read cards, I've never let myself feel. When you left before I filled my time with work. I never allowed myself to progress, to work on ME. I just turned down a huge project. I just gave myself the space. I like me. I'm happy with me. I'm happy with the people who are my true friends, I’m happy with the support of my family.
I just can't bare to not communicate this all with you. The time I've lost out on, the memories I didn't work on making, the days, the hours, the minutes.
I held resentment for things that weren't really issues. I was caught up in longing for friendship, but drunken friendship at a karaoke bar isn't friendship. I was stubborn. I had real friends, and I had real family, all around me.
I'm sure you hold a lot against me, and I'm sure you are upset about me getting my own furniture when you threatened to move out yours.
I'm sure you're mad I talked to grace (who doesn't even live in this state), something that I do regret, but was not done in an effort to try and accomplish anything but reconnect with someone from that time period. All I did was FB message her, but that was stupid. I wasn't trying to leave you, I thought you were leaving me, and I wanted someone who wasn't involved in the situation to talk to about it to.
That was the wrong way to go, and the wrong person. To touch on that subject real quick, exes (not that she is one, but yes, I can see the issue you have with it), I DO think that the boundaries are important with people like that. I do think that there is a lack of apropriacy with communicating with someone you had a relationship with in the past.
I get it. It makes sense, I was stubborn in that regard too Briana. I couldn't see that it wasn't your distrust in ME, it was you saying that they could potentially interject themselves in my life. It was your distrust in THEM. I was so blind to that realization. I took it personal. I am sorry.
Our other big problem stemmed from me too, giving. I thought I was giving by paying rent. That’s not giving. That’s not showing my partner I care, that’s not making new memories, new adventures, no things to smile back on. That’s not holding you and telling you I love you, that’s not saying how great you are, that’s not lifting you up. Taking you to one of the same three restaurants is not exploration. And should have done new exciting things together, not in a group, something I lost sight of. Something that was plagued by this resentment.
When your family came out here, it was a stressful time for them and for you, your mom was just getting past her issues (I will never forget the time your aunt and sisters were over, and I was holding you, and your aunt said “I remember when Sam held Dee like that”), and I already felt like I failed you in the job department. I hated myself for it, and it grew a lot of resentment. Before that, our communication was much better, we would talk about conflict and resolve it, that was the point we stopped doing that, because I was flustered. We should have seeked some help then. When you got in an accident with my car I remember talking to your dad and rushing over to you. I didn’t care about the car, I told you that, I don’t care about the things. When you got in your other accident I remember being so confused that you didn’t tell me, so angry with you for going to your parents, so confused by it all. Then I closed up completely, and put my nose down to work, never going up for air.
I know the opportunity I messed up, the time I could have been building our life with you; on pause. I wish I could hit rewind. I wish I could go back and show you, show you what I've learned about myself. I wish I took this time the first time. I wish I didn't learn like this, and I wish learning didn't equate to me losing you.
I would love nothing more than to spend this lesson on you. To pick up the pieces I let fall. To give.... something I stopped doing a while back.
You only get one true love in this world, the rest are just filling voids if you leave that person, or if that person leaves you.
You are that for me Bree. You are my ONE true love.
If I am too late, I am sorry. I am happy I found myself, and have clarity, but so unhappy if I lost you in the process.
I want family, I want everything, I never let myself retire from the previous phase in my life, I mishandled you, I’m sorry, I am past that, I truly am.
I would do anything to try, anything to try and make you happy every day, like I should have.
I will pay if you want to go to a therapist, there's a couple's therapist that helped Morgan & Tina find eachother years into their relationship, when things were bad and not looking up, and now they’re 12 years strong, she's in studio city. I would go to someone in Santa Monica though if it's easier. Just one session. Then, if there’s nothing there, leave, I will let it go, I will work so hard on letting you be, if it’s what you want.
Life will have it's ups and downs, but love is a constant, I didn't always show it right, but I love you so much Bree.
You're my person, and I'm sorry if I blew this whole thing up.
I was blind. Lost in my own head.
Angry. But for the wrong reasons.
Please don't be cold. Please don't close up. Please don't throw in the towel. Not after this. Not after we built this life. This potential for an "us" that is truly perfect.
I'm sitting in a hotel room in Las Vegas. This place is gross. These people are gross. It's a reflection of culture today. Just so gross. Just so far off from my ideals. The ideals I cherish but neglected to show that to you.
I wish with all my heart that there was even a spec of hope for this. I know you're too far gone. It just hurts to think of what could have been. What we both could have had.
Here's someone who was proud to introduce me to someone and I was excited to bring them places, but now I'm blocked from their life completely.
You say you moved on. And I'm sure you assumed I did the same. I never did. I never wanted that. I was angry with you Briana, but I never wanted anyone else. I'm sorry I didn't show you that. I'm sorry that things got to an unhealthy level at the house.
I'm sitting here in this hotel room. Sad. I've only been in hotels with you in the past three years. I miss it. I'm sorry I didn't take you to more. I'm sorry I didn't take more time when I should have.
Bree I felt like in the beginning I was there for you. And your tough times I was there, when you moved to this town I know it was difficult. I know you struggled and I know I failed you in many ways. This made me feel like a failure in so many ways. But after that time you told me that I was there for you when you're appreciated it. I know I've been going through something for quite a while now but please don't leave me through it. I promise we could come out of the other and better. I promise I'm here for you I always have been and I always will.
Sry. I was just hoping could see I want u happy. And if u know what u need to be happy that I don't wanna take that away I wanna add to it. That's all.
That was the whole reason we didn't schedule a date. I wanted u happy with you. To realize that you need to invest in you. That you're worth it. Hah. Sorry. Texting over. Here's one last consolation prize.
Dear My Son or Daughter Pt. 1
Dear my son or daughter,
You're my reason and my purpose,
You hold a higher value,
unattainable to purchase,
My heart is yours forever,
I exist for your existence,
I truly love your mother,
Worth each moment of persistence,
Here's a lesson I will share now,
Give your best today,
While you have that person there now.
Because dear my son or daughter,
Time is precious, don't abuse it,
Live, Love, and Laugh, if you don't you're bound to lose it.
I lost your momma once,
Let anxiety control me,
Gave her less than half,
when she deserved the whole me,
I still tell momma sorry and remind her that she's perfect.
Our whole family is worth it.
You're my first choice. You're my last choice. You're all the choices in between. I want us. The good us. The us we deserve. The family we deserve. The walks, talks, exploration. I want to show the world you're mine. I want to claim you. To hold you. Kiss you anywhere and everywhere. I want to be your rock, your reason, your passion.
11/16/2016 (Note for CT)
I hate that we are here. I completely understand you though. I get why your affection comes in waves. I understand you are unsure of us. I know you feel that we fight a lot, but in truth, the only real fight we’ve had ever is over fighting itself. We both want to be understood, we never wanted other people. I know in my persistence you find a few things.
You find anger in our current state, you find sadness in where we could have been, and I hope you find that I truly love you. I am not trying to make you feel bad for not returning these feelings the same way I do, I am expressing them so you do feel loved. So you feel the support, support that you’ve voiced I lacked in the past. Support that I truly have always felt, and just had trouble communicating. Through this therapy process, I not only hope that you find your love for me, and for yourself, but I hope we can truly unlock the potential we’ve always had in US.
I have never felt so myself with anyone, and maybe if we can get past these next few steps, you can lower your wall, and we can explore eachother in ways we never have. In ways we always wanted to, and all the while being completely congruent in us and communicating in a way that promotes nothing but a healthy happy life. I know that words mean very little, but I hope that you see I am capable of being 100% your person, of sharing in the love I know is real, and building a future we can be proud of.
If nothing comes from this, I want you to know I am happy you tried with me. I am proud of the woman you are today, and excited for your tomorrow. I am and will always be your person, but if you are not mine, I do not fault you or hold any ill will towards you. I don’t regret asking you to be my person forever, I regretallowing us to get to a place where you question it to this degree.
(Insert joke here)
I don’t have any material gift for you.
I don’t have any magical poems for you, or insightful wisdom to share.
I have me. Unabashed. Humble. Just me.
I offered you this me before. But that me got clouded with so many things. Anger, anxiety, and an inability to see what our future held.
This year started out horrible. When you left I sunk to my lowest point ever. It forced me to look inward and see who I was, what I was working towards, and how I was acting.
I know I’ve been a broken record, telling you I never wanted to be without you, and I do believe that. I just fell into a lull of cruise control. I became afraid of the future, and angry with more than just you, with myself. When you left I had almost completely buried my feelings.
I won’t embellish any further, you know the story.
You know how I will never give up on this, on us. You know how I will never give up on me.
Most importantly, our story isn’t perfect Briana, but it doesn’t have to be. So many times in our past you called me “perfect”, and I’m sure by now you know I’m not. But what is perfect is the love I have for you. What is perfect is our ability to be whole together, and be completely ourselves around each other.
What is perfect is this.
Merry Christmas Briana,
I wish I was there to hold you, to kiss you, to laugh with you, and love you.
Truly I am only seeing half of my family this year even though I am going to Nana Joy and Nana Rose’s house. Because the other half is there with you.